I cant get a grip on why I love her so much. I love her smell. I love the way she moves. I love her laugh. I love her touch. I watching her dance. I love holding her when she cries. I love seeing her smile. I love the way my heart skips a beat when I hear her voice. She was my closest friend.
She says she cares. She however has not done much to show it for the last 2 years. She has lied to me. She has been decietful. She has been disrespectful. To her she has found something better and I am now obsolete. Truthfuly I think she has found someone better. At least there is a small comfort in her not leaving for one of those dregs she's found before. Although there is less comfort knowing that I am not that different from them.
This incredible burden of being. I am drowning in a pool of my own making. I feel disposable. I dont know myself.
I have known for quite some time who she is. I lied to myself that she wouldnt do what she does. She isnt going to ever change for anybody. I dont think I really even know her. She is at whatever moment whomever she needs to be to fulfill whatever she is trying to acomplish. I dont know if there is a real she to know. I dont think she even knows herself. Or contrary she knows exactly who she is. Only sharing what she thought I would like, until that was no longer a concern.
I have found love twice in my life. It hasnt managed to find me. I gave it my all both times until I thought I might expire. I did my best to be true. I was honest when it came to matters of the heart. I was not good enough either time. I hate saying this but i will. I wish I could die. Sometimes I pray for a tragedy to take my life. I envy those whom have been fortunate enough to have had the ultimate misfortune. I cannot feel this way I have a son who I love so dearly. God I love you I. I hope you never feel like I do. I hope you never know I feel like I do. I wish I knew how to not let you down. I have been every moment of your existence. Like her you deserve better. Much much better.
She was right about 2 things. 1 I am a loser. And 2 thinking I was going to get my shit together and move forward was bullshit. I've come to the conclusion that positive thinking is bullshit. I will always be me. She will always be she. People will always have a propensity for selfishness. Pure altruism is not an innate characteristic in the hearts of but a few very unlucky souls. I see that my motive for helping have at time been for reasons that could be described as selfish. I never before thought of the desire to be appreciated and held in good esteem to be selfish. Sometimes though when I felt what I was giving to help went unappreciated or unreciprocated I withheld my assistance out of frustration or resentment for not getting what I wanted out of the exchange. Can I really be considered selfish by expecting a to be treated with a certain degree of respect from the people I am putting so much of myself into?
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye
Goodbye.
She says she cares. She however has not done much to show it for the last 2 years. She has lied to me. She has been decietful. She has been disrespectful. To her she has found something better and I am now obsolete. Truthfuly I think she has found someone better. At least there is a small comfort in her not leaving for one of those dregs she's found before. Although there is less comfort knowing that I am not that different from them.
This incredible burden of being. I am drowning in a pool of my own making. I feel disposable. I dont know myself.
I have known for quite some time who she is. I lied to myself that she wouldnt do what she does. She isnt going to ever change for anybody. I dont think I really even know her. She is at whatever moment whomever she needs to be to fulfill whatever she is trying to acomplish. I dont know if there is a real she to know. I dont think she even knows herself. Or contrary she knows exactly who she is. Only sharing what she thought I would like, until that was no longer a concern.
I have found love twice in my life. It hasnt managed to find me. I gave it my all both times until I thought I might expire. I did my best to be true. I was honest when it came to matters of the heart. I was not good enough either time. I hate saying this but i will. I wish I could die. Sometimes I pray for a tragedy to take my life. I envy those whom have been fortunate enough to have had the ultimate misfortune. I cannot feel this way I have a son who I love so dearly. God I love you I. I hope you never feel like I do. I hope you never know I feel like I do. I wish I knew how to not let you down. I have been every moment of your existence. Like her you deserve better. Much much better.
She was right about 2 things. 1 I am a loser. And 2 thinking I was going to get my shit together and move forward was bullshit. I've come to the conclusion that positive thinking is bullshit. I will always be me. She will always be she. People will always have a propensity for selfishness. Pure altruism is not an innate characteristic in the hearts of but a few very unlucky souls. I see that my motive for helping have at time been for reasons that could be described as selfish. I never before thought of the desire to be appreciated and held in good esteem to be selfish. Sometimes though when I felt what I was giving to help went unappreciated or unreciprocated I withheld my assistance out of frustration or resentment for not getting what I wanted out of the exchange. Can I really be considered selfish by expecting a to be treated with a certain degree of respect from the people I am putting so much of myself into?
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye
Goodbye.
posted by naughtyboy at
6:02 AM
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